Spouse

I have definitely messed up in raising our kids and in my marriage.  I don't believe in do over's because I believe God uses our mess up's for our good and His glory.   If I did believe in do over's one of the things I would do over is pray for our sons future wives when they were younger. 

My cousin told me she used to pray all of the time for her children's future spouses, and I thought it was a good idea, but I did not stick with it.  I think my focus was so much on them growing up and on them I did not think to pray about the important people who would come into their grown up lives.

Our oldest son got married at 19 and was divorced at 21.  I must say it really was not his fault in the marriage, she was the wrong person and he should have never married her.  He tried to work out the marriage, but she wanted none of it.  It left a scar on him, but as I said in the first part of this blog I don't believe in do over's, God used this for our son's good and God's glory.

I also have a lot of friends who shake their heads and regret the wives their sons picked.  They say the wife is either not a good mother to their grandchildren, treat their sons poorly or just plain old nasty.  The spouse of your child will impact your relationship with them when they are grown.

After our son got divorced I was concerned he would never want another relationship.  I finally asked him after a year or so if he thought he would ever get in a relationship.  He told me he was not afraid of another relationship, he just has not found anyone worth the effort yet.  That made me happy and I knew he was healing. 

I finally got my act together and started praying for God to bless our son with a wonderful wife.  I prayed that she would love Jesus more than him, love him second and be a good mother to their children.  I prayed that for a few years. 

I got a phone call from our oldest son (who hardly ever calls, it is either email or text) he said he called because he has been so busy and did not have time to email (that usually did not bother him either).  During our conversation he said he had started dating a girl, just a few dates.  When he told me he had started dating I thought this must be the one.  Within a year he married that special girl.  They got married on our 29th wedding anniversary and her parents wedding anniversary.

His wife loves Jesus more than our son, loves our son, loves to cook, understands our disfunctional family and wants to be a stay at home mom.  God has answered my prayer, a prayer I probably should have been praying when our children were young.  God even answers our late prayers.

Now I am praying the same prayer for our youngest son.  I have great hopes for him now.

Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.

Limits

When our kids were growing up personal computers were a new thing.  My husband is an electronic junky so of course we had the latest and greatest computer we could afford.  We also had TV, radio, a land line telephone and dial up internet.  We were very electronic savvy for our income.

Our kids had to earn their computer time.  They would share it in a way, the first one would start the game with his time and the second one would try to finish it with his time.  They would start the day with so much computer time and they could lose time if they did not behave.  We also limited their daytime TV watching and what programs they could watch.  In general our sons played a lot and had good imaginations.

A few years ago I was talking to our youngest and he made the comment that his imagination went when we took away the limited computer time.  This statement shocked me.  As our sons got older we felt they were old enough to monitor themselves and we no longer set limits on their computer time (they were early teens).

I can't believe how fast modern technology comes up with more and more new things.  Who would have thought 3 years ago that people would be reading books from a Kindle, watching TV from their cell phone, continually checking their facebook status from their phone.  My husband just bought a Kinects for his X-Box 360 in which he does not need a connector to play games.  It all just boggles my mind.  I am not anti technology, I think there are really great and wonderful things from the new technology.  One son lives in England and the other in Iowa and they play X-Box 360 and talk with each other all of the time.  I absolutely love that.

My concern with all of the technology is the lack of face to face interaction and imagination.  Humans were built and designed to interact with each other, face to face.  It is so much easier to be mean or lie by typing in a computer or android phone than it is to do it face to face.  The same goes with our relationship with God, He does not want us to text him or email him, he wants us to talk to him when it is quiet.  If we do not practice putting the electronics down for a while, and to stop the noise how will we get to know and teach our children and point them to God???  Does your child know what it is like to have a quiet home for a while??  No phone, no TV, no radio, no computer???  Learn to be quiet before the Lord??

Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

Christmas Traditions

I have to admit when it comes to Christmas, I am a bit of a Scrooge.  I think a lot of it has to do with the grand build up and then a great let down.  It has also been a bit of conflict between my faith and the world's vision of Christmas.  The "true meaning" of Christmas is supposed to be about celebrating the birth of Jesus, God's greatest gift to mankind.  Instead of focusing on that great gift often times we get caught up in buying presents, overeating, sending Christmas cards and feeling somewhat a failure because we did not meet the world's expectations of what Christmas is all about.

With all of that said, what are you teaching your child about Christmas??  Is Christmas all about presents and Santa Clause??  Is it about making your child's Christmas the best ever beause you bought him or her the most fantastic toy ever??  From my experience most of the toys we bought our children were broken or forgotten about by February.  I can personally remember just a few presents from my childhood; I got a desk one year and I always got pajamas from my Grandparents (which we got to open up Christmas Eve).

To show what a Scrooge I was when our children were growing up; I did not want to celebrate Christmas with Santa Clause.  My husband said we had to have Santa Clause, so we did Santa with a twist; Santa brought presents because he was so excited about Jesus being born.  Santa came Christmas Eve, but we made sure the presents from Santa were simple.  I was concerned that when our sons found out there was not Santa that it may make them think that I was lying about Jesus.  I remembered how angry I was at my mom when I found out she lied to me about Santa and did not want to do that to our sons. 

If you think about the "Biblical meaning" of Christmas it really is a bit humbling.  God gave us His one and only Son.  Could you give your child away?  God who is Holy, perfect and under no obligation to give us sinners anything gave his son to the human race.  Think about giving your child to someone whose capability of caring for your child is a lot lower than your capabilities.  A king giving his only child to a pauper.  The child went willingly because he loves his father and he loves the paupers.

With all of that said, I am going to give some suggestions to help you focus on the Biblical meaning of Christmas; Christmas Eve service at church, Birthday cake for Jesus, Nativity scene out without the baby Jesus until Christmas morning, bake cookies for the elderly, policemen, firemen etc., project Angel Tree, Shoeboxes for Samaritians Purse, read the Christmas story out of the Bible.  Hopefully your child's expectations about Christmas will be rooted in the Biblical meaning of Christmas.

Matthew 1:23 "The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel"---which means, "God with us."

Stand

I have done a lot of research on what the Bible says about self defense and one word sums it up, stand.  That same concept goes for disciplining your children.  You do not need to be on the offense or the defence, you just need to stand and be immovable about your position.

Standing starts when your child is young and continues all through their growing years.  I will give an example; your little two year old wants a drink of water and points to a cup and grunts, you tell your child (who does know how to talk) "say water please."  Your child says "no" or points and grunts again, you again tell your child, "say water please".  You stand by not giving your child the drink of water until your child says "water please."  As your child grows your standing will encompass different things.  "You can go outside and play as soon as you clean your room."  When you do stand your child may scream, throw a fit or just won't do what you ask them to do.  Example if your child does not clean their room and they don't go outside to play you may tighten your stand and say no TV or dinner until your room is clean.  You keep your stand until your child moves and does what he or she was told to do.

Standing does not require you to raise your voice or spank.  It is a matter of keeping your position as an authority in your childs life.  When and if your child throws a fit they are fighting more with themselves than they are fighting you.  Do not escalate your stand by raising your voice or spanking.  Your child may try to escalate it, but don't take the bait, just stand and do not move.  They may say mean and nasty things, but stay calm and after your child does what he or she is supposed to do then you can talk to them about their actions when they tried to defy what you said. 

I have been a Christian for over 25 years and standing is often times how God deals with me.  He never moves and sometimes tightens my circle, until I do what He wants me to do.  I may try to fight it, but I am really fighting myself not God.  When I do finally give in I feel much better knowing that God is stronger than me and it makes me feel secure to be in His care.  By you standing you are teaching your child that you are stronger than them and they are secure in your care.

2 Thessalonians 2:15 So then, brothers, stand firm and hold to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter.

Your Actions

Corrie Ten Boom lived in a concentration camp for several years and survived.  Her parents were strong Christians who always opened their house and their dinner table to anyone who had need or just dropped by.  They did not have much money and often times had to add more water to their soup to feed anyone who showed up.  After Corrie was miraculously released from the concentration camp she often stayed and lived off of the hospitality of others.  Corrie believed that God was honoring what her parents had done and was blessing Corrie because of it.

Just a few days ago Bernie Madoff's son committed suicide.  He and his brother were likely to be named in a lawsuit because of what Bernie had done.  Not only was he going to be named in the lawsuit, but so was his 2 year old son.  I am guessing that Bernie would like to hit a redo button, but what he did affected his whole family.  The son who committed suicide was the one who turned in his Dad and after Bernie was arrested he no longer had contact with him.  He was recently told not to have contact with his mom.

Both situations are a bit extreme, but the same principal still applies.  My Dad was a good guy, a State Trooper, and my oldest brother was a rebellious teenager.  After my Dad died my brother got in trouble with the law more than once.  Many people went to bat for my brother, not because his actions deserved it, but because he was my Dad's son.

As a parent your actions with others will often be felt by your children.  You may not see it at first, but your children may benefit from it long after you are gone.

Psalm 37:25-26 I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging for bread.  They are always generous and lend freely; their children will be blessed.

United We Stand

Matthew 12:25 Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them, "Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself wtill not stand."

It takes two people to have a child.  That is God's design for a family.  If you love a man or woman enough to have sex with them, then you should love them and the child that comes out of that union enough to stay together.  Putting up a united front when it comes to your child, makes your child have a strong and firm foundation to grow and develop and become the person God made them to be.

Children often times know how to pit one parent against another.  Where do they learn how to do that??  From their parents.  If a Mom or Dad tells the child they don't have to do what one parent says then that is teaching your child that he or she can pit one parent against the other.  It also teaches the child how to manipulate people and be deceptive.  It also teaches them to not respect authority and that yes does not mean yes and no does not mean no.  Your child will not have a firm foundation.  Without a firm foundation your child and family will not be able to stand.

I did not always agree with what my husband said.  I often times thought he was a bit too hard on our children, but I never disagreed with him in front of our children.  I sometimes would talk to him after the kids were asleep.  He usually stuck with what he said and I carried out what he wanted me to do.  One time he thought I was too hard and I stuck to my guns and he ended up agreeing with me. 

By putting up a united front it is a real safety net when your child becomes a teenager.  Your child will know that they cannot manipulate you or your spouse and your family and child will stand.  Your family will have a firm foundation.

A united front also is a safety net.  No one loves your child as much as you and your spouse love your child.  Sometimes our children break our hearts.  Your spouse is there to help you and you are there to help your spouse through the tough times.  

Unfortunately many households are single parent households, but the same concept still applies even if you are not living with your child's father or mother.  You may have very hard feelings toward your ex, but your ex is still your child's father or mother.  If he or she is really a jerk let your child see it for themselves, you should not point it out.  Your other half is still part of your child and when you bad mouth your child's other parent, you are bad mouthing part of them.  Be willing to share the good parts of your ex with your child, because that is still a part of your child's heritage.  YOU are the one who chose to have sex with your ex it is not your child's fault.  If you can still have a united front with your ex, then your child will be all the better for it.

Aunt Judy was always adament about a good marriage and a united front.  I am glad she was always there to talk me through the times when it was hard to put up a united front, but in the end by God's grace our family did stand. 

Are you building a strong foundation for your child??

 

Roots

Have you ever tried getting rid of a weed by just chopping off the top?  If you have you know exactly what will happen, the weed will grow back.  How do you get rid of the weed?  You dig deep enough to get the root out, then you have officially gotten rid of the weed.
The same concept applies to the little garden called your child.  If you see a weed in your child and just address the behavior without getting to the root of the problem, you will continue to get the same weed.

If your child is having a behavior problem that keeps coming up you may need to start digging.  Here are some suggestions for digging.  Pray, it is always the best first step, and when you pray, ask God to open your eyes as to what is causing your child's behavioral problem.  After you pray, observe and see if you can find what is triggering your child's problem.  While you are observing, you may want to not react and see what happens.  While you are observing, observe everything including you and your reactions to the behavior.  If the root does not show up right away you may want to look deeper such as food, sleep, schedule etc..

After you find the root, pray and ask for wisdom.  Dig out the root, without hurting your precious little garden.  Remember you want to get rid of the weed and not hurt your garden.  Then thank God and enjoy the fruit of your labor.

He who heeds discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads others astray.  Proverbs 10:17

Sam

I have been watching a lot of TV and DVD's this last week.  I have a muscle spasm and it is pressing on my sciatic nerve which causes lots of pain.   I have not been able to sit for more than a few minutes without severe pain.  The only thing I can do is take drugs and rest my left side.  So because of this wonderful pain I have caught up on some movie watching.  I started watching The Lord of the Rings and it made me think about Sam.

Sam  is Frodo's best friend and he sticks with Frodo through thick and thin and tries to help Frodo make the right choices.  Sam is loyal, faithful and honest; I really think he is a great hero in the series.

I think everyone needs a Sam in their life, including children.  When I was little and getting ready to go to kindergarten I remember my mom looking out the window waiting for Lori to walk by.  When Lori walked by my mom told me to go out and talk to her.  I did what my mom told me to do and I ended up with my best friend up through 5th grade.  My mom was watching out for me.

Siblings often times can be a Sam in your children's lives.  Our two sons are each others best friends and they are loyal and honest with each other.  My daughter in law's mom insisted that sisters stick together no matter what.  By teaching her daughters that, they have a Sam in their life.

Life is hard on its own, make sure your child has a Sam in their life.

Proverbs 18:24 A man of many companions may come to ruin, but their is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.

Sports

I went hiking with my friend this weekend.  She has 2 girls that play flag football (they are 5 years old).  As we were hiking she was explaining some of the frustrations she was having about her daughters being in organized sports.   As she was talking it brought back memories of when our kids were in soccer.

Both of our sons were in soccer and they were fortunate to have their Dad be their coach.  I think they were 8 and 7.  My husband ran into some of the same pitfalls that happens in organized sports.  It really comes down to what is the goal of the organized sport.  Many parents and coaches think the main goal is to win at all costs, my husband's goal was to teach the children soccer and sportsmanship.  Even though the kids were 8 and 7 some parents wanted my husband to not let certain kids play as much as others and they complained if the score was close and my husband put in someone who was not as good as some others.  My husband told the parents that they all paid the same amount of money and the goal was to learn the game and sportsmanship.

Some things to consider when you sign up your child for organized sports:  what is the goal, who is the coach, what other children will be on their team and who are the other parents.  Sometimes you have to just roll with the punches, but it is a good idea to do a bit of research.  If your child is in an organized sport don't become part of the problem, use it as a teaching tool and remember your children and God are watching your reaction as much if not more than the circumstances.

Be wise, pray and have fun with your kids if you do sign them up for an organized sport.

Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you will be like him yourself.  Proverbs 26:4

The One You Are Stuck With

When my Aunt Judy stopped by last week she was telling me that her brother and sister in law like for her and her husband George to travel with them.  She said the reason why they like for Judy and George to travel with them is because they have fun.  My Aunt Judy has had a great marriage and the reason why it has been great is because she has worked at it and made it fun.  She used to remind me often that our kids will grow up and then it will be me and my husband again and that I should not neglect our marriage.  Now that our kids are grown and gone Aunt Judy was right.  I am glad that she kept reminding me, because right now God has blessed our empty nest.

When I observe some of the good marriages the one thing I notice that they all have in common is that they have fun.  My Grandma and Grandpa had a wonderful marriage and they had fun together.  My Grandma told me that when my Dad was little my Grandpa used to tease her that her cake was hard as a rock (it wasn't my Grandma was a great cook).  One day when my Grandma was getting ready to serve him some cake, he had to go to the basement and fix the furnace; while he was in the basement my grandma frosted a wooden block and set it on the plate.  When my Grandpa came up from fixing the furnace he had a saw in his hand and asked where his cake was.  My Grandma told me that story with a smile on her face and what a wonderful (and funny) memory.

Raising kids is time consuming and energy draining, but don't forget to have fun with "the one you are stuck with", because you are stuck with him for the rest of your life so you might as well enjoy it.  As you have fun together you are growing roots that can go deeper so that when the storms of life come your family tree can stand strong. 

Proverbs 31:11-12 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.  She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

Selling it

I was talking to my Aunt Judy this weekend (she stopped by for a visit).  She was telling me about a mutual friend who was going through a tough time financially.  Her family ended up losing their house and they are not living in circumstances they would like to be in.  Aunt Judy was saying that she thought the whole situation was affecting the children.  I agreed with her.  Things like losing a home, a job, a loved one or a marriage do affect the children and it does bring added stress to them. 

Children do not know how to deal with the stress and emotions they feel.  Often times it comes out with behavioral issues or living in their own little world.  Life is stressful and eventually some of that stress will affect your child.

I don't think many parents realize that their child's stress is often a reaction to the parents stress and the not knowing what is going to happen next.  If handled in a prayerful and intentional way a parent can help their child deal with the stress and react in a more positive manner.  The parent needs to sell it to the child.

I will give an example.  When our children were young we sold our house and ended up living in a less than inviting apartment.  I did not see any roaches, but I was always on the look out for them.  I did not like the apartment, but I sold it to the kids.  I took them to the park every morning (not even a playground at this place) got to know some of my neighbors and cooked on the dinky apartment sized stove.  Our kids did not know that I was not thrilled with the place we lived, I made a strong effort to make lemonade out of the lemons we were living in.

Much worse things than living in a less than desirable apartment can affect families, but keep in mind that your reaction to your circumstances affects your children and then sell it to yourself so you can sell it to your children. Your children and you will have a much better chance of overcoming the circumstances if you have this mind set.

Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked.  Proverbs 3:25

Joy

I got to go to church service on Sunday.  Often times I am helping with the children's ministry.  It was wonderful to sing and clap my hands and worship God with fellow believers.  The joy of the Lord is my strength.  It brightened up my day and started off the week on a good note.

When our kids were little I used to turn up the radio loud and dance and sing with them.  I used to pick them up and dance and twirl them around.  There was never a particular reason why I did it, I was just enjoying them and sharing a precious gift with them and that is the gift of joy.

Children grow up quicker than you would believe.  As a parent you often spend a lot of your time teaching and correcting them.  In your teaching remember to teach them about joy.  Joy no matter what the circumstances and joy for no reason at all.  There is always time to share the joy of the Lord.

When your children are grown and gone (remember that is your goal) you can look back on those times you shared joy with them and smile.  I don't know if Ryan and Dennis remember those times, but I do.  I miss them sometimes and the memories of us sharing the joy of the Lord bring a smile to my face and some satisfaction to my heart. 

Psalm 81:1 Sing for joy to God our strength

Life is not fair!!!

When our kids were young I was talking to my Aunt Judy about something and I told her that it was not fair for my child.  She told me "Life is not fair and your kids need to learn it before they go to kindergarten."

We have all been on the bad end of "life is not fair" and it is something in which we need to teach our children at a young age.  When the "life's not fair" situation occurs to your child, use it as a learning tool and teach them not to whine and cry and play the victim card, but instead teach them to overcome the temporary circumstance.  Learning at a young age that it is not the circumstances, but the reaction to the circumstances that makes the difference.  Train and equip your child to be an overcomer and a winner, not a victim and a whiner.

In order to train your child you have to learn this lesson yourself and keep your wits about you when you do see your child going through a "life's not fair" moment.  It is a very hard thing to watch your child get overlooked for an award you know they earned and deserved, but someone else (who happens to be related to the judge) gets it.  Instead of getting mad and upset use it as a teachable moment and don't dwell on how they were slighted.  Your child and your family will be the better for it.

When the "life's not fair" moment happens read Psalm 37, it will give you the wisdom and approach to teach your child that God sees and knows and in the end that is all that matters.

Psalm 37:8-9 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret---it leads only to evil.  For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.

Yours and Mine

When our children were young I was talking to my Aunt Judy telling her that I was having a friend over for lunch.  My Aunt Judy said, "Your not going to have your children talking and being a part of your lunch are you?"  I thought that was a weird and rude question.  I was thinking Aunt Judy must be thinking like the dark ages, but I knew Aunt Judy better, so I asked "Why?"  She promptly explained that my friend was coming to have lunch with me and not our kids.  She was right again.

Aunt Judy went on to explain that I do not follow my kids around and bother them while they have their friends over.  She said our children need to learn that there are boundaries, and some things are theirs, but also some things are mine.  She asked if I would like to go visit a friend and have her children interrupt our conversation and demand me and my friends time.  Again Aunt Judy was right on the mark.

When my friend came over our children said hi to her and went off and played and left us to our conversation.  I fed our kids before she came over and if the kids needed something I did address what was needed, but they did not monopolize our conversation or time.  It was a very nice and refreshing lunch.

My lunch went beyond just that day and made me realize I did need to set some boundaries as to what things were mine.  Things in which our children learned that were mine and not theirs:  my food, my drink, our bed, my purse, our bedroom and even my chair.  Me having my own things and them having some of their own things did not make our children feel neglected, I think it gave them boundaries and respect for other peoples property.

Proverbs 25:6-7 Do not exalt yourself in the king's presence, and do not claim a place among great men; it is better for him to say to you, "come up here." than for him to humiliate you before a nobleman.

Duck who climbs trees, squirrel who swims

I was talking to my Aunt Judy the other day and we were talking about looking at your child's gifts and talents and encouraging them in their talents and gifts.  My Aunt Judy said, "It is like expecting your child who is a duck to climb a tree, or your child who is a squirrel to swim."

I have met some mom's who want their duck to climb trees and their squirrel to swim.  Your child is specially designed by God and your job as a parent is to find out what he or she is designed for and encourage your child to be the best of what God designed them to be.  Not every child does well in school, that does not mean your child is a failure.  Thomas Edison dropped out of school and was considered a failure and we all know how that story ended. 

By identifying your child's gifts and talents and encouraging them will give them the tools they need to succeed in life.  Some children are very successful in school and their siblings may not be as successful.  You should encourage and support your child in academics, but also encourage the siblings in their particular gifts and talents.  If as a family unit you support each other in each talent and gift each individual has been blessed with it will bring family unity and a lot less sibling rivalry.

While encouraging your child in their gifts and talents make sure you do not neglect the basic life skills they need.  A duck may not be able to climb a tree, but should be able to fly up in one if there is a fox on the prowl.  A squirrel may not live on a lake, but should be able to swim to safety if they fall in a lake.  If your child does not do well in math, but has great writing skills; make sure they can manage personal finances and the basics to get through life.

Accept your child along with their gifts and talents.  Not every child is going to be extraordinary in the things this world applauds.  Ask God to show you the unique gifts and talents He has blessed your child with and encourage your child to pursue that talent or gift.

Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act.  Proverbs 3:27

Work yourself out of a job.

When our children were small I told my Aungt Judy "I will miss them when they grow up and leave home."  Aunt Judy in all of her wisdom said, "Cindy, God does this wonderful thing he has your child turn 15 and then you want them to leave!!"  There is a bit of truth to that statement, Aunt Judy also used to say, "If you do your job right as a parent you work yourself out of a job."  That is the statement I am going to focus on in this blog.

When you bring your newborn child home he or she is totally dependent on you.  As your newborn turns into a baby, then a toddler you mark each new bit of independence with glee.  Your baby is eating baby food, can feed himself or herself, crawling, walking and so on.  Each new step of independence is celebrated and lets you know that your child is healthy and everything is ok. 

As your child gets older life gets in the way and those important markers aren't noticed and you as a parent drop the ball in training your child for independence.  You are so busy that it is easier to make your child's bed than to train your child to make their own bed.  It is easier to give them money than it is to listen to them whine that they want money for this or that; instead of making them earn their money and save money for what they want. 

As you train your child for independence you also want to train them in dependence on God.  You as a parent try to do the best you can, but you will fail at times.  You are also human which means you will die some day and if you train your child to look to God (where true security is) you will be preparing them to face life no matter what happens.

Training your child for independence takes time, effort and has to be intentional.  It may be easier to do things for yourself than to train your child to do it, but you may be training your child to be dependent on you and that may mean you will have a 40 year old unemployed child living in your house. 

I love my children dearly and love to have them visit, but I do not want them to live with us.  We are still here for them as a safety net, but we want them to be independent and they want to be independent.  Your final goal as a parent is truly to work yourself out of a job.

Proverbs 13:4 "The sluggard craves and gets nothing, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied."

Training part 2

I was talking to my Aunt Judy this week and I called my husband an old fart (just joking) and she got upset with me.  She told me that it sounds terrible (I was still not convinced because I was teasing my husband and we tease a lot), then she said how would you feel if your Grandma said that about your Grandpa; that did strike a cord with me.  She also told me that I have to be aware that I am teaching my children and others about marriage. 

As a parent you are always teaching and training your children whether you do it intentionally or not.  Those comments you say when you are on the phone, the lie you told when you were trying to get a good deal at the store or ignoring your child's poor behavior and not correcting them.  Life is a training ground when you are a parent, and the training never ends.

An example of training:  You take your child to the grocery store and your child whines the whole time they are in the store.  You are tired and little Johnny wants the sugar cereal and you told him "no", but he whines, cries and throws a fit.  You are tired, you want to get home, everyone is looking at you and you are embarrassed, it is only a box of cereal so you throw the sugar cereal in your cart and Johnny quits his fit.  You have just trained Johnny that your "no" does not mean "no", it means "yes" if he whines and cries and throws a fit.  Johnny also learned he could train mom.

When I was a younger I had a friend come over to my house.  She told me that her mom would take us to a movie if it was ok with my mom.  I asked my mom if I could go to the movie and she said "no".  I told my friend my mom said no and my friend told me that I should go back and ask my mom again and whine and beg.  I had never done that before, but my friend told me confidently that if I did that my mom would let me go to the movie.  I went up and asked my mom again whining and starting to beg and my mom looked at me (with the I mean business mom look) and she said "I said NO".  I said ok and left immediately before she had time to change her mind and give me a spanking.  My friend had been trained that "no" did not mean no.

Intentionally or unintentionally when you are a parent you are always training.

Luke 2:51 "Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them."

Training

I am a black belt.  I earned my black belt by training hard.  I have been teaching and training in tae kwon do for over 15 years.  It amazes me sometimes how the tae kwon do moves become a natural part of me with out me putting much thought or effort into what I am doing. 

It took me about 3 years and thousands of kicks and moves to earn my black belt.  I did not earn my black belt without wonderful instructors who taught me, corrected me and encouraged me when I needed it.  When I tested for my black belt I was not alone, my husband and our two sons tested with me also.  We together as a family trained and tested for our black belts.  It was an individual accomplishment for each of us, but at the same time we shared it. 

The Bible says "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."  Training takes time and repetition.  I did not earn my black belt by doing hundreds of kicks, or thousands of kicks, I earned my black belt by doing tens of thousands of kicks.  I did not go to class once a week, I went to class 4-5 times a week.  I did not just practice tae kwon do in the dojang, I practiced at home and on my own time.

I often hear parents say I already corrected my child on this and they are still doing it.  Training takes time, repetition and commitment to complete the task.  It is not easy, but training brings great rewards.  It usually takes hundreds if not thousands of corrections and teaching your child the right way; to train your child the way he or she should go. 

Just like I could not have earned my black belt without committed instructors who already earned their black belts; so a parent needs to teach, correct and encourage their child to train them in the way they should go.  I have found I have learned more about tae kwon do by teaching than I ever did training.  I think the same is true for parenting.  As you teach your child the way he or she should go, you see also that you may need to redirect your path.

Training takes time, consistency and commitment.  The rewards are often delayed, but well worth it.

Proverbs 22:6  Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.

Sharing

One of the wonderful things about being a parent is sharing with my children.  It starts from conception on.  As an expectant mother your child shares your nutrients, heartbeat (for a while), oxygen etc..  Then when your child is born you share your milk and then as they grow you share life with them.

I was blessed to stay at home with our two children.  I was able to share my knowledge of simple things like colors, potty training, how to tie their shoes, animal sounds; in other words life in general.  My favoritest thing in the world to share with them was God.  As I discovered God I loved to share him with Ryan and Dennis.

Now Ryan and Dennis are all grown up.  I do still share with them, but I share on an adult level.  My favoritest thing to share with them is still God.  I love watching them grow in their knowledge of God and in their relationship with God..  There is nothing better in this world than sharing with our children the maker of the universe who knows them and loves them better than their own mother.

Deuteronomy 6:6 - 9 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts.  Impress them on your children.  Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.  Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.  Write them on your doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

Mistakes

When our first child was born (Ryan) our family doctor came in to see us (Ryan and me).  He sat down in a chair in the hospital room and said "You have a healthy little boy."  I replied "Thank you."  I admit I was excited and scared to death at the same time.  Then Dr. Hostetter (the best Dr. in the world) said to me, "You are going to get all kinds of advice from friends, family and books on how best to care for Ryan, but I want you to remember this; you are his mom and you know him better than anyone else, so you do what you think is right."  After he told me that I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and he gave me the confidence that I needed to do what was best for our child.

I did make decisions the best I could in raising our children, but I must admit I failed in a few areas.  I never did teach them how to budget money and I did not make them keep their room clean. I think those are two disciplines that are important in adult life.  I think they have overcome those failures on my part (especially Dennis because he is in the military and has to keep his room clean), but all the same they are failures.

My mom was not a perfect mom.  My mom always seemed a bit detatched when I was growing up.  I think when a parent becomes a single parent they tend to not focus on their children as much because they are trying to build their own life again.  I think that is what happened to my mom.  She was always loving and provided for us, but she also was involved in her personal life (dating).

I think because my mom was a bit detatched as I was growing up I became almost the opposite and was quite involved in raising our sons.  I was so involved I homeschooled them until they were in junior high.  My husband said his dad was always concerned about his career and he did not feel his dad had much time for him and his brothers and sister.  Because he felt this way he always made time for our children.  He always went to work and was a good provider, but he would not let work interfere with his family life.

I see a lot of parents today who came from broken homes and had no role model of what family life could be ideally.  They are often times so concerned about making the same mistakes their parents made that they either become just like their parents or they go the complete opposite direction. 

A Pastor once told a story of two brothers.  One brother drank heavily and the other one drank nothing stronger than iced tea.  The Pastor asked the brother who drank heavily "Why do you drink?"  He replied "Because my Dad was an alcoholic."  The Pastor asked the other brother "Why don't you drink?" The other brother replied "Because my Dad was an alcoholic."

The bottom line is just because your parents made mistakes doesn't mean you will.  Just as the two brothers had a choice, so do you.  You can either follow in your parents mistakes or choose to do it differently. You know your child better than anyone make your decisions based on that and not on your fear of making the same mistakes your parents did.

Proverbs 14:26 He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge.

More About Spanking

I went on a hike today with a good friend of mine.  We were chatting when we got back from the hike and in the course of the chatting I found out that her 5 year old daughter has been talking back to her.  I asked my friend what she did about it and she said that she talked to her and told her not to do it, but she keeps on doing it.  I told her she needs to stop talking and start spanking.  The next time her daughter talks back to her she needs to not say a word, get out the spanking spoon and give her 3 swats, and tell her she can come back and talk after she is done crying.

Some people may think this sounds mean, but I don't.  I think it is more important for a child to learn the hard lessons from parents who care about them than from a teacher who fails them, a boss who fires them or the criminal justice system.  Spanking is a teaching tool.  If you as a child do certain things that you have been told not to do then the consequences are a spanking by a loving parent.

There are certain rules that need to be applied when spanking.  I went over a few of them in a previous blog, but this is a more detailed list of rules:

• Never spank in anger.  This protects the child and makes sure you have the right motives.
• Make sure your child knows the rules.
• Give a certain amount of swats for the offense (I always gave 3).
• Do not use your hand always use something like a wooden spoon.
• Spank only on the bottom or the upper thigh if your child is wearing a diaper.
• After the spanking have the child go to a neutral place and let them cry.
• When the child is done crying call them back to you and explain why you spanked them.
• Always finish with a hug and tell them you love them and then have them go back to playing.

When you spank a child it is to teach a child not punish the child.  God disciplines his children He does not punish us.  Discipline means teaching.  That is what you are doing by spanking is teaching your child, not punishing your child.

When Ryan and Dennis were little every once in a while they would do something I thought I told them not to do so when they started to get in trouble for it they would say "you never told me that."  As a fair minded mom I would not spank them, but I also would make sure they understood the rules.  I would often times have them look me in the eyes and repeat what I said so they would know the rules and I would know I told them the rules.  They were accountable for their actions after I did that.

It is important once the decision has been made to spank that you follow through.  Often times children will try to talk their way out of a spanking, don't let this happen, if you do you are setting a bad precedent and giving your child the idea it is ok to argue with you.  They don't need to talk to you until after they have been spanked and are done crying.  You as the parent are the authority.  God has given you the responsibility of raising this child and along with that He gives you the authority to discipline that child. 

I have had to apologize to our sons for spanking them unjustly because I spanked the wrong one.  I had no problems apologizing and asking for their forgiveness, it taught our sons that I am not perfect, and that when I make a mistake I correct it.  You do not need to be perfect, just a loving parent who is trying to teach your child the right way to go.

Proverbs 29:15 The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.

Discipline

I am working on getting a schedule down to start walking and or hiking on a regular basis.  I started this last week and it went somewhat well.  I am sure it will go a bit better once the weather cools down.  While I was on one of my walks I was thinking about my schedule and how I will make sure that I schedule my walks in during the week.  It is called discipline.

I used to jog on a regular basis before my knees started giving me problems.  People would ask me why do you jog and I would reply because it is Tuesday.  That is called discipline.

I teach tae kwon do 2 nights a week.  That is called discipline.

I go to work when I am scheduled that is called discipline.

When we were raising Ryan and Dennis we had a schedule and discipline.  Keeping on the schedule and doing it whether you feel like it or not is called discipline.  The younger your children learn it the better and more successful their life will be. 

Learning is a discipline.  When Ryan was 3 years old I would take out little index cards and put Bible verses on them and have him repeat them to me 3 times, after he was done repeating the verse 3 times he got a sticker.  He did it because it was time to do his Bible verse, not because he felt like doing it, not because I felt like doing it, but because it was time to do his Bible verse.

The same concept is used for church.  We go to church because it is Sunday morning.  We do our devotions because it is devotion time.  We make our beds because that is what we do after we get up in the morning.  We brush our teeth because that is what we do before we get dressed .........

I have observed many parents have lost the concept of discipline.  It is not super hard, it just takes making a schedule and you the parent being consistent about it.  The rewards for you and your children will be numerous if you do it right.  Schedule, consistency and rewards when it is all said and done will be a great gift to give your children.

I have found if you don't schedule something it probably won't happen.  A schedule gives a child security in knowing what is coming next.  We had a pretty consistent schedule when the kids were young.  When we lived in Chicago we lived in an apartment complex that had a swimming pool.  In the summer time I would have dinner on the table when my husband got home from work.  The kids and I had our swimsuits on while we ate.  As soon as dinner was over my husband would change into his swimsuit while the kids and I would clean the dinner mess and off we would go to the pool.  I scheduled in our pool and family time. 

When we would go grocery shopping every Wednesday I would give the boys a little pep talk in the car in the parking lot; I would remind them we were Kennedy's and all Kennedy's behaved well in the grocery store.  I would go up and down the aisles and have the kids get certain items for me.  I even taught them to look for the date on the milk.  When we were all done and checking out in the grocery line I would pick out 3 candy bars.  We would get home unload the groceries, put the groceries away and I would fix lunch; after we ate lunch we each got a candy bar. 

Teaching a child discipline at a young age using a schedule, being consistent and giving rewards will make your life easier, and will give your child a good start to real life. 

Proverbs 12:24 Diligent hands will rule, but laziness ends in slave labor.

Respect

My Aunt Judy told me one time that I should discipline our sons when they misbehaved for me.  She told me it would lay the grounds for respect especially when they become teenagers.  I knew she was right (again).

I was blessed and fortunate to be able to stay at home with our two sons.  I was also the main disciplinarian because I was with the boys most of the time.  My husband's role was more back up then anything else.  When the boys did anything wrong at home they knew they had to answer to me.  For the really serious offenses they got in trouble from me and then had to wait and wait and wait til their Dad got home and then they would have to tell him what they did.  I remember Ryan coming out of his room every so often (he was the spokesman for the boys) and asking in a scared voice "Is Dad home yet?"  I would answer "No but when he gets home you two have to tell him what you did."

I did spank our sons.  Yes Aunt Judy supported this.  Aunt Judy also gave some pointers about spanking.  I used a wooden spoon and not my hand.  I did not want our sons to be afraid of my hand, but I did want them to have a healthy fear if they did not listen to what I told them.  They also got 3 swats for an offense.  I made sure they knew the rules before they ever got spanked for breaking them.  When they wore diapers they would get swats on their upper legs and not the diaper.  I also never spanked when I was angry.  I did it for their protection, but what I found was it scared them more to have to wait for their spanking.  Again I remember the spokesman Ryan calling down the stairs "Mom are you done being mad yet?"  I yelled "NO not yet." 

Spanking in the right context is quick, easy and to the point.  I would tell them "no" they would test their boundaries and I would give them a spanking.  Aunt Judy also told me to spank and let them cry, make them walk away.  When they would calm down and quit crying I would call them back over to me and talk to them about what they had done and why I spanked them.  When I was done talking to them I would hug them tell them I love them and off they would play.  The time it would take me to spank,for them to cry and for us to reconcile was less than 5 minutes.  It was great they would walk away happy and we could continue on with the day.

The reason I did this blog is because a friend of mine was telling me about how he had to kick out their teenage son because he would not go by his wife's rules (second marriage).  It made me wonder if she disciplined (spanked) him when he was young so that respect would be instilled in him when he was a teenager. 

My mom was a single parent over night.  Us kids never had a doubt in our mind that she would discpline us, she never waited til our Dad got home.  It is a good thing for her because my Dad died suddenly and she was left with a 6, 10 and 13 year old.  If she depended on our Dad she would have had a bigger mess on her hands. 

My husband and I always disciplined our sons as a team.  I had to keep my mouth shut sometimes because I thought he was too hard on them, but my Mom and my Aunt Judy always told me to keep a united front even if you don't agree.  Wait until the kids are in bed and discuss it quietly.  In the end the husband wins. I am old enough to have observed some friends who would go behind their husbands backs and ease the discipline set before the children.  The results of the mom going against what dad said is a child who knows how to divide and conquer.  Teenagers know all to well how to divide and conquer. 

In the end it is the Biblical principle of reaping and sowing.  What you sow with your young children you will reap as they become teenagers.  What are you sowing??

Galatians 6:7 Do not be deceived:  God cannot be mocked.  A man reaps what he sows.

Heritage

Dennis asked me to send him some pictures of him when he was growing up.  I went through the photo album and picked out some pictures for my husband to send him.  When I came to the end of the photo album there was a precious letter I photocopied a long time ago. 

My Dad died when I was 6 years old.  He was a good Dad, but I don't have that many memories of him.  I did not understand his death or really grieve his death until I was 31 years old and my grandpa died.  When I went through that process my mom let me look through all of the stuff from his funeral.  In the stuff from the funeral I found a few precious letters and I am going to share one of those precious letters.

Dear Sue,

We're so very, very sorry.  I realize there's no way to offer comfort, and I won't be so dumb as to tell you I know how you feel because I'm sure I can't even imagine the pain and terrible emptiness you must feel.

I only met Jimmy once and the reason I remember him is the reason I feel I should write to you.  I believe I did write to you after I met him, because I wanted you to know that in my opinion he was a pretty exceptional man.  I have never before or since met a man who said such nice things about his wife to a complete stranger, (me) when she wasn't even there to be impressed.  I hope I did write to you Sue, and I hope you remember it, because I think it might be a small comfort to you to remember that you made him into a very happy husband.

All of the nice, casual, sweet things he said were just easy remarks made in the course of the conversation and they made me feel that he was a very contented man.  I'd be very proud if  I thought that I could make Jack feel as thoroughly contented.

Jackie was completely stunned when he heard about Jimmy.  The only things he remembers about Jimmy are the good things, such as the summer they worked together on the construction crew.

Jack and Marge are awfully concerned about you, as I'm sure everyone back there must be.

Well Sue I wish I could say something wonderful and inspiring, but I'm afraid the best that can be said has already been said by many and I'm sure it was very insufficient.  The best we can do is wish you strength and luck which are probably what you'll need the most.  Our prayers are with you too.

Love,


My Dad was a State trooper who died suddenly at the age of 32 of a heart attack.  Needless to say no one was expecting it.  My Dad did have a small life insurance policy which my mom was able to use wisely in raising us 3 kids.  I will not get an inheritance from him, but he left me with a heritage that is worth much more than any amount of money could buy.  My Mom never did remarry.  She said she could never find a man as good as my Dad. 

What heritage are you giving your children?

Proverbs 27:19 As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man.

Winners and Losers

When I was teaching Tiny Tigers (tae kwon do for 4 - 6 year olds) in Iowa I had one little boy who hated to lose.  He would get very angry, lie, cheat and cry if he thought he was losing; even in a 'friendly' game of tag.  I was talking to my Aunt Judy about it because I just did not know how to deal with him.  She told me to tell him to look how happy he made the winners.  I again thought my Aunt Judy was crazy, but at the same time it was true.  At the next Tiny Tigers class the little boy began to get angry because he was losing; I told him "see you are making the other children happy by letting them win."  He looked at me like I was crazy, but I kept up with the theme that he had made someone else happy.  He was not happy about losing but it did take the edge off of losing for him and I did not have the behavioral issues with him that I had before.

I do believe in competition.  I think it is a great thing all of the way around.  I think it brings out the best and the worse in people.  I have competed in several tae kwon do tournaments and I have been the winner, loser and judge in many competitions.  Having my Aunt Judy's philosophy has helped me to keep the competition in perspective and helped me not to take myself too seriously.  The competition is not all about winning or losing; it is about rising to the occasion, the building of relationships, making of memories, and learning how to do it better next time. 

Today there is a philosophy that every child should get a trophy for participating and dumbing down winning.  Maybe we have that philosophy now a days because some of our parenting skills aren't what they should be.  We are afraid to tell our child they lost fearing that it will ruin their self esteem instead of saying hey you tried hard lets see if we work harder and maybe next time you will do better.  The other end of it is that winning is everything and the child's self esteem is wrapped up in their trophies.  Learning to be a good sport in winning and losing is becoming a lost art, and one worth finding again.

When we were getting ready to move from Des Moines to Phoenix we had to get rid of almost everything.  Dennis had won several very large trophies in tae kwon do, but there was no room for them.  He took off the plates to the trophies and then he put the trophies out on the curb for the trash.  Someone drove by and saw all of the trophies, stopped and asked if they could have them.  Dennis said sure; and they loaded them up in their car and drove off.  Dennis worked hard to win the trophies, but what he learned competing for those trophies was far more valuable than the plastic and metal that made the trophies.  The people who took the trophies had the plastic and metal, but none of the value of the trophies.

So when you lose that promotion, softball game or chess match just remember you made the winner happy.

Proverbs 24:10 If you falter in times of trouble, how small is your strength.

Church

In today's society church is not emphasized like it used to be.  I was brought up thinking that church is a nice thing but not necessary for a Christian.  You can still follow Christ and not go to church and listen to or watch tv preachers on tv or the radio.  I was brought up the wrong way.

When I first accepted Christ I went to church faithfully and so did our children.  Dennis was the baby that the nursery workers used to smile at and dread because he cried the whole time I was at church.  I was faithful to come everytime the doors to church were open.  I am sure there will be a special crown for the poor nursery workers that held Dennis while he screamed for an hour.

When we moved from Des Moines to Chicago I continued faithfully to be involved with church.  We went to AWANA's on Monday's, Wednesday night Bible study and Sunday's we went to Sunday school, morning service and evening service.  Our two sons were at church with me when ever the doors were opened.  Please realize my husband supported us going to church but has never darkened the door of church except for Christmas programs or AWANA's awards.

When we moved back to Des Moines we were again active in church and then the church changed Pastors and I did not like the new Pastor and I started losing interest in church.  Life got busy and our family got involved in Tae Kwon Do.  The Tae Kwon Do school we went to was Christian based and in the end we used Tae Kwon Do as a substitute for church.  It sounds nice and it looked good on paper but it is not God's plan.  Church is for the church not to be replaced by Christian activities.

The results of my wandering away from the church resulted in our 2 sons almost getting involved in a cult.  Someone who said he was a Christian had deceived our 2 sons, my husband and almost me.  Only by God's grace and devine intervention did our family get out safely.  I am sure we all have a few scars, but God has healed those wounds.

Do I like to go to church??  Not particularly, but I go because God says that He wants me to go.  I do love my church and I am learning the importance of church in my spiritual growth and ministry. 

Sometimes in your Christian walk you need to obey even if your spouse does not, even if it is not convinient, even if there are other things you would rather do, even if you feel awkward.  Obedience is our job the results are God's job.

1Samuel 15:22 To obey is better than sacrafice.

Prayer

At work this week a mom came in with her two children.  Every morning for the past 2 weeks it has been the same routine; her son would be waiting by the door to come in and then slowly but surely mom and daughter would come in a bit later.  Mom would make a scowling face and daughter would have tears in her eyes, but still a touch of defiance in her eyes.  After mom dropped off both children and was about to leave she made the comment that her and her daughter (5 years old) just don't get along well.  I told her she should pray about it.  She smiled and said "Yeah I should.".  I knew her "Yeah I should" was just an obligatory remark to be nice, but my advice was not meant to obligatory, I really did mean she should bring it before the Lord in prayer.

My Aunt Judy used to tell me that I may not like one of my kids some day.  I thought she was crazy, but she wasn't.  It is not a matter of not liking your kids it is a matter of having a personality conflict. 

The personality conflict did not come between me and one of our children, it was between my husband and Dennis.  Dennis was the ripe old age of 3 or 4 years old and he and my husband did not get along.  I did not like what I was seeing and I saw the potential for greater conflict as Dennis got older; so I prayed.  With in a few weeks the conflicts stopped and my husband and Dennis have gotten along well ever since. 

If you are a mother of young children and you see character issues or flaws PRAY about it while they are young, so it will not become an issue when they are older.  Don't just pray that the issue will go away, but pray that God will give you the wisdom and show you how to deal with it.  Early childhood is the foundation of your child's character development.  If you think they are difficult at the age of 2 wait until they are a teenager (Aunt Judy used to say that too).  Prayer is the starting point for addressing those issues.

I heard Charles Stanley say pray for your children to grow as Jesus did  "in wisdom, stature, in favor with God and men."  I used to pray that for our sons.  My husband is 5'7" and I am 5'6" both of our sons are over 6'.  I feel like the way they have grown both physically and spiritually is because God has blessed us by answering my prayer. 

Pray while they are young.

"The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."  James 4:16

So you think you want a divorce (part 2)

I am going to address the second thing Aunt Judy used to say concerning divorce and parenting.  "The best thing you can give your children is a good marriage."  Like I said in the previous blog I have heard Dr. James Dobson say the same thing (Did he get his advice from her too??)

Do not believe for a second the lie and it is a lie; divorce does not affect the children.  It does affect the children more than many parents are willing to admit or notice.  Do not believe the lie and it is a lie; if you are happy your children will be happy.  Do not believe the lie and it is a lie; the children will feel secure in your love even though you don't love your spouse anymore.  Do not believe the lie and it is a lie; it will be a friendly divorce and we will put the children first.  Do not believe the lie and it is a lie;  life will be much better and easier once we are divorced.

Lie #1 Divorce does not affect the children.  I work in a preschool /daycare and it amazes me to see how divorce affects the children.  Age is not a factor; I have seen it affect a 1 year old as much as it does a 2nd grader. A usually well behaved child will all of a sudden have behaviorial issues.  The teacher begins to talk to the parents about the behaviorial issues and finds out that Mom and Dad are not living with each other and are getting a divorce.  Note the child did not have behaviorial issues even though mom and dad were not happy in their marriage, the issues began when there was separation. 

Lie #2 If you are happy your children will be happy.  As I alluded to in lie #1 no behaviorial issues when you were miserable and together, behaviorial issues when separated.  I have seen many parents who are so absorbed in their new found happiness that they ignore their children.  They lose their patience with their children because they are so busy trying to get to their happiness and their children get left behind.  Your happiness is not found in your circumstances, it is found in your attitude!!!

Lie #3 Your children will still feel secure in your love for them even if you don't love your spouse anymore.  Love is a choice and an action not a feeling.  If you are basing your love on feelings for your spouse what do you think your children are going to think about your love for them.  You used to love your spouse, but now you don't, why?  Does your spouse still love the kids??  One of you is no longer living with your children; no matter how you try to explain it, sugar coat it or make the best of it, your child is going to feel abandoned by one or both of you.

Lie #4 It will be a friendly divorce, and we will put the children first.  One of the catch phrases often used now a days is 'moving forward'.  After a while you and your ex spouse will move forward.  Along with moving forward comes new interests and new relationships.  There will come a new boyfriend or girlfriend and that new person will need time, attention and money.  You and your ex's plans may have meant to put the children first, but your new relationships may not agree with your plans.

Lie #5 Life will be much better and much easier once we are divorced.  That is probably the biggest lie of all.  Life is much easier and better for the lawyers, but that is about it.  Custody issues, child support, court dates, rules for one house is not the same for the other house.  You think you had communication problems before you got divorced wait until after you get divorced!!!  There is never enough money no matter how much money you get from child support (if you are lucky enough to have an ex-spouse who is able to pay and pay it on time).  You have to miss work because your kids are sick and you have been written up before for  missing too much work.  It is not your ex-spouses week and he or she has to make enough money to pay the child support.  These are just a few of the issues a divorced person gets to deal with.  I don't think it sounds easier or better.

The best thing you can give your children is a good marriage.  A life for your children where they don't have to decide whose house they are going to go to for Christmas (until they are married and hopefully they will choose your house), where they see and learn that love is not a feeling but a choice and an action.  A life where there is money to pay the bills and where mom can stay home with them when they are sick. A life that is secure in the knowledge that two sinful human beings can work together and through life to keep a committment they made a long time ago to each other.  That is the best gift you can give your children.

Proverbs 14:1  The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.

So you think you want a divorce (part 1)

I was talking to Aunt Judy last night and was telling her about my blog when she said do a blog titled 'So you think you want a divorce'.  She was upset because some female family members decided they wanted a divorce.  I also knew what she wanted me to say.

Aunt Judy used to say two things concerning the subject of marriage and parenting: 

1.  You are going to wake up some day and look at your husband and go yuck!!  This may last for quite a while, but stick with him and trust me your love feelings will come back some day.

2.  The best thing you can give your children is a good marriage.  Now I have heard Dr. James Dobson say that too; I wonder if he consulted my Aunt Judy??

I am going to address #1 in this blog and I will address #2 in the next blog.

I did wake up one day and go yuck when I looked at my husband.  I am not proud of it, but it did happen.  I remembered what Aunt Judy said and I stuck with it.  The things that used to endear my husband to me started irritating me.  All of the little irritating things he did became big, glaring irritations and to add to it he was taking me for granted!! 

Some things that I learned through those times (because it happens more than just once):
1.  Marriage has an ebb and flow to it and there are times when you and your husband are distant, but eventually you will come back together.
2.  Marriage is a lot about attitude.  Just like how what you say is just 7% verbal and 93% non-verbal (body language, vocal inflections etc.) I think the same is true about marriage and attitude.  I think about 7% of what happens in your marriage is due to circumstances in your marriage (loss of job, loss of a loved one etc.).  I think 93% of the success of your marriage is your attitude.  I will give a personal example.  My husband does not like to go out a lot; he is a home body.  My friends used to say doesn't that bother you that he does not like to go out, I said "no, it is nice to come home and have my husband waiting for me."  If I chose (and it is a choice) to focus on the fact that I went to many functions by myself then that would have been an issue in our marriage.  I chose to focus on the good.
3.  Focus on your husband's good qualities.  Yes even when you look at him and go yuck he still does have good qualities.  Is he a good provider, does he take out the trash, does he help with the kids, does he mow the lawn, is he faithful????  Do not focus on the fact that you are tired of his fart jokes, the fact that he is always late, he leaves his clothes on the floor even if you have asked him nicely 9 million times.  If you focus on his good qualities then it will help some of the yuck go away and start bringing some of the feelings of love back again.  Do not bad mouth him to others.  Aunt Judy used to say when you are at work even if your marriage is miserable tell everyone your marriage is great.  Men like to look for a woman who is in an unhappy marriage.
4.  Understand your husband is a man.  Men do not think like women.  I read a great book called "Sacred Influence" and it explained how men think.  I laughed when I read it.  God does have a sense of humor.  Men process things differently than women do.  You may tell your husband something and expect an immediate response, but most men take a good 24 hours to process what you have said.  Another example how men do not think the same way women do; I always told people my husband loved and supported me with our 2 sons; he used to tell the boys do what your mom says I want her happy.  One day I was telling someone about it in front of him and he looked at me and laughed; he said he only told the boys that because he did not want to have to be bothered and if they made me mad then he would have to get involved.  Men do not in any way shape or form think like women!!!!!
5.  Do not try to change or control your husband.  Bring him before God everyday because he is the head of your household and if he fails some of it falls on your shoulders for not bringing him before God in prayer.  Let God be in control of your husband not you.  You can influence your husband which is Biblical, but you are not to try to control or change him.  If there is a concern that I have with my husband I try to bring it before the Lord in prayer before I address it with my husband.

These are just a few thing to think about before you get a divorce.  I will tell you if you stick with it and work through the yucks, the rewards will be great.  I love my husband now more than I ever have.  We share a unique history that no one else has.  We love our children.  Going to Ryan's wedding was a great joy for us, one in which we uniquely shared.  As we get older and will again become more dependent on each other it will be nice to share it with someone whom I have a shared history and has stuck with me through thick and thin.

Proverbs 31:10-12 A wife of noble character who can find?  She is worth far more than rubies.  Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.  She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

Do you really love your child?

One of the first phone conversations I had with my Aunt Judy soon after our first child was born was something like this; "Cindy I am so excited for you and your baby!!"  "Thank you Aunt Judy."  "Do you love Ryan?"  "Of course I do!"  I thought that was a dumb question for her to ask me.  "Do you want other people to love Ryan?"  Another dumb question.  "Of course I do."  "Then make him mind.  People don't like bratty kids who are not their own."  From my own personal experience I knew she was right. 

I have observed that many parents do not take the responsibility to make their children mind.  They expect other people to make the child mind or expect the child to magically mind on their own.  By my Aunt Judy telling me that if I truly love my child I will make him mind she was putting the responsibility right where it belonged and that was in my lap.

Making children mind is work.  It does not magically happen and just because they mind one day does not mean they will mind the next day.  Again my Aunt Judy told me don't tell your child no unless you are willing to reinforce the no.  She told me if you are too tired to get up off the couch to correct your child, then just don't tell them no.  I took her advice.  I knew telling our children no meant that I may have to follow up with consequences.  The funny thing is I only had to follow up a few times and then when I said no they knew if they did not do as I said there would be consequences.  I did not mind taking our children with me everywhere, why??  because they minded. 

Yes I truly do love our 2 sons and thank you Aunt Judy for telling me what to do so others would love them too.

Proverbs 20:11  "Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right."

Aunt Judy

Hi my name is Cindy I have been married to my one and only husband for over 29 years.  We raised 2 sons who are grown and seem to have their act together.  I work in a Christian preschool and I am a 5th degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do. 

My favoritest job ever was being a mom.  Working in a Christian preschool I have noticed how many parents are really trying to figure out the whole parenting thing.  When I was raising my children if I had a question or problem I would call my Aunt Judy.  She gave me great insight and advice that I would love to pass along to others.  Aunt Judy is a Christian and so am I so my blogs will reflect this. 

My hope is this blog will encourage young families.