Spouse

I have definitely messed up in raising our kids and in my marriage.  I don't believe in do over's because I believe God uses our mess up's for our good and His glory.   If I did believe in do over's one of the things I would do over is pray for our sons future wives when they were younger. 

My cousin told me she used to pray all of the time for her children's future spouses, and I thought it was a good idea, but I did not stick with it.  I think my focus was so much on them growing up and on them I did not think to pray about the important people who would come into their grown up lives.

Our oldest son got married at 19 and was divorced at 21.  I must say it really was not his fault in the marriage, she was the wrong person and he should have never married her.  He tried to work out the marriage, but she wanted none of it.  It left a scar on him, but as I said in the first part of this blog I don't believe in do over's, God used this for our son's good and God's glory.

I also have a lot of friends who shake their heads and regret the wives their sons picked.  They say the wife is either not a good mother to their grandchildren, treat their sons poorly or just plain old nasty.  The spouse of your child will impact your relationship with them when they are grown.

After our son got divorced I was concerned he would never want another relationship.  I finally asked him after a year or so if he thought he would ever get in a relationship.  He told me he was not afraid of another relationship, he just has not found anyone worth the effort yet.  That made me happy and I knew he was healing. 

I finally got my act together and started praying for God to bless our son with a wonderful wife.  I prayed that she would love Jesus more than him, love him second and be a good mother to their children.  I prayed that for a few years. 

I got a phone call from our oldest son (who hardly ever calls, it is either email or text) he said he called because he has been so busy and did not have time to email (that usually did not bother him either).  During our conversation he said he had started dating a girl, just a few dates.  When he told me he had started dating I thought this must be the one.  Within a year he married that special girl.  They got married on our 29th wedding anniversary and her parents wedding anniversary.

His wife loves Jesus more than our son, loves our son, loves to cook, understands our disfunctional family and wants to be a stay at home mom.  God has answered my prayer, a prayer I probably should have been praying when our children were young.  God even answers our late prayers.

Now I am praying the same prayer for our youngest son.  I have great hopes for him now.

Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.

Limits

When our kids were growing up personal computers were a new thing.  My husband is an electronic junky so of course we had the latest and greatest computer we could afford.  We also had TV, radio, a land line telephone and dial up internet.  We were very electronic savvy for our income.

Our kids had to earn their computer time.  They would share it in a way, the first one would start the game with his time and the second one would try to finish it with his time.  They would start the day with so much computer time and they could lose time if they did not behave.  We also limited their daytime TV watching and what programs they could watch.  In general our sons played a lot and had good imaginations.

A few years ago I was talking to our youngest and he made the comment that his imagination went when we took away the limited computer time.  This statement shocked me.  As our sons got older we felt they were old enough to monitor themselves and we no longer set limits on their computer time (they were early teens).

I can't believe how fast modern technology comes up with more and more new things.  Who would have thought 3 years ago that people would be reading books from a Kindle, watching TV from their cell phone, continually checking their facebook status from their phone.  My husband just bought a Kinects for his X-Box 360 in which he does not need a connector to play games.  It all just boggles my mind.  I am not anti technology, I think there are really great and wonderful things from the new technology.  One son lives in England and the other in Iowa and they play X-Box 360 and talk with each other all of the time.  I absolutely love that.

My concern with all of the technology is the lack of face to face interaction and imagination.  Humans were built and designed to interact with each other, face to face.  It is so much easier to be mean or lie by typing in a computer or android phone than it is to do it face to face.  The same goes with our relationship with God, He does not want us to text him or email him, he wants us to talk to him when it is quiet.  If we do not practice putting the electronics down for a while, and to stop the noise how will we get to know and teach our children and point them to God???  Does your child know what it is like to have a quiet home for a while??  No phone, no TV, no radio, no computer???  Learn to be quiet before the Lord??

Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

Christmas Traditions

I have to admit when it comes to Christmas, I am a bit of a Scrooge.  I think a lot of it has to do with the grand build up and then a great let down.  It has also been a bit of conflict between my faith and the world's vision of Christmas.  The "true meaning" of Christmas is supposed to be about celebrating the birth of Jesus, God's greatest gift to mankind.  Instead of focusing on that great gift often times we get caught up in buying presents, overeating, sending Christmas cards and feeling somewhat a failure because we did not meet the world's expectations of what Christmas is all about.

With all of that said, what are you teaching your child about Christmas??  Is Christmas all about presents and Santa Clause??  Is it about making your child's Christmas the best ever beause you bought him or her the most fantastic toy ever??  From my experience most of the toys we bought our children were broken or forgotten about by February.  I can personally remember just a few presents from my childhood; I got a desk one year and I always got pajamas from my Grandparents (which we got to open up Christmas Eve).

To show what a Scrooge I was when our children were growing up; I did not want to celebrate Christmas with Santa Clause.  My husband said we had to have Santa Clause, so we did Santa with a twist; Santa brought presents because he was so excited about Jesus being born.  Santa came Christmas Eve, but we made sure the presents from Santa were simple.  I was concerned that when our sons found out there was not Santa that it may make them think that I was lying about Jesus.  I remembered how angry I was at my mom when I found out she lied to me about Santa and did not want to do that to our sons. 

If you think about the "Biblical meaning" of Christmas it really is a bit humbling.  God gave us His one and only Son.  Could you give your child away?  God who is Holy, perfect and under no obligation to give us sinners anything gave his son to the human race.  Think about giving your child to someone whose capability of caring for your child is a lot lower than your capabilities.  A king giving his only child to a pauper.  The child went willingly because he loves his father and he loves the paupers.

With all of that said, I am going to give some suggestions to help you focus on the Biblical meaning of Christmas; Christmas Eve service at church, Birthday cake for Jesus, Nativity scene out without the baby Jesus until Christmas morning, bake cookies for the elderly, policemen, firemen etc., project Angel Tree, Shoeboxes for Samaritians Purse, read the Christmas story out of the Bible.  Hopefully your child's expectations about Christmas will be rooted in the Biblical meaning of Christmas.

Matthew 1:23 "The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel"---which means, "God with us."

Stand

I have done a lot of research on what the Bible says about self defense and one word sums it up, stand.  That same concept goes for disciplining your children.  You do not need to be on the offense or the defence, you just need to stand and be immovable about your position.

Standing starts when your child is young and continues all through their growing years.  I will give an example; your little two year old wants a drink of water and points to a cup and grunts, you tell your child (who does know how to talk) "say water please."  Your child says "no" or points and grunts again, you again tell your child, "say water please".  You stand by not giving your child the drink of water until your child says "water please."  As your child grows your standing will encompass different things.  "You can go outside and play as soon as you clean your room."  When you do stand your child may scream, throw a fit or just won't do what you ask them to do.  Example if your child does not clean their room and they don't go outside to play you may tighten your stand and say no TV or dinner until your room is clean.  You keep your stand until your child moves and does what he or she was told to do.

Standing does not require you to raise your voice or spank.  It is a matter of keeping your position as an authority in your childs life.  When and if your child throws a fit they are fighting more with themselves than they are fighting you.  Do not escalate your stand by raising your voice or spanking.  Your child may try to escalate it, but don't take the bait, just stand and do not move.  They may say mean and nasty things, but stay calm and after your child does what he or she is supposed to do then you can talk to them about their actions when they tried to defy what you said. 

I have been a Christian for over 25 years and standing is often times how God deals with me.  He never moves and sometimes tightens my circle, until I do what He wants me to do.  I may try to fight it, but I am really fighting myself not God.  When I do finally give in I feel much better knowing that God is stronger than me and it makes me feel secure to be in His care.  By you standing you are teaching your child that you are stronger than them and they are secure in your care.

2 Thessalonians 2:15 So then, brothers, stand firm and hold to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter.

Your Actions

Corrie Ten Boom lived in a concentration camp for several years and survived.  Her parents were strong Christians who always opened their house and their dinner table to anyone who had need or just dropped by.  They did not have much money and often times had to add more water to their soup to feed anyone who showed up.  After Corrie was miraculously released from the concentration camp she often stayed and lived off of the hospitality of others.  Corrie believed that God was honoring what her parents had done and was blessing Corrie because of it.

Just a few days ago Bernie Madoff's son committed suicide.  He and his brother were likely to be named in a lawsuit because of what Bernie had done.  Not only was he going to be named in the lawsuit, but so was his 2 year old son.  I am guessing that Bernie would like to hit a redo button, but what he did affected his whole family.  The son who committed suicide was the one who turned in his Dad and after Bernie was arrested he no longer had contact with him.  He was recently told not to have contact with his mom.

Both situations are a bit extreme, but the same principal still applies.  My Dad was a good guy, a State Trooper, and my oldest brother was a rebellious teenager.  After my Dad died my brother got in trouble with the law more than once.  Many people went to bat for my brother, not because his actions deserved it, but because he was my Dad's son.

As a parent your actions with others will often be felt by your children.  You may not see it at first, but your children may benefit from it long after you are gone.

Psalm 37:25-26 I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging for bread.  They are always generous and lend freely; their children will be blessed.

United We Stand

Matthew 12:25 Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them, "Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself wtill not stand."

It takes two people to have a child.  That is God's design for a family.  If you love a man or woman enough to have sex with them, then you should love them and the child that comes out of that union enough to stay together.  Putting up a united front when it comes to your child, makes your child have a strong and firm foundation to grow and develop and become the person God made them to be.

Children often times know how to pit one parent against another.  Where do they learn how to do that??  From their parents.  If a Mom or Dad tells the child they don't have to do what one parent says then that is teaching your child that he or she can pit one parent against the other.  It also teaches the child how to manipulate people and be deceptive.  It also teaches them to not respect authority and that yes does not mean yes and no does not mean no.  Your child will not have a firm foundation.  Without a firm foundation your child and family will not be able to stand.

I did not always agree with what my husband said.  I often times thought he was a bit too hard on our children, but I never disagreed with him in front of our children.  I sometimes would talk to him after the kids were asleep.  He usually stuck with what he said and I carried out what he wanted me to do.  One time he thought I was too hard and I stuck to my guns and he ended up agreeing with me. 

By putting up a united front it is a real safety net when your child becomes a teenager.  Your child will know that they cannot manipulate you or your spouse and your family and child will stand.  Your family will have a firm foundation.

A united front also is a safety net.  No one loves your child as much as you and your spouse love your child.  Sometimes our children break our hearts.  Your spouse is there to help you and you are there to help your spouse through the tough times.  

Unfortunately many households are single parent households, but the same concept still applies even if you are not living with your child's father or mother.  You may have very hard feelings toward your ex, but your ex is still your child's father or mother.  If he or she is really a jerk let your child see it for themselves, you should not point it out.  Your other half is still part of your child and when you bad mouth your child's other parent, you are bad mouthing part of them.  Be willing to share the good parts of your ex with your child, because that is still a part of your child's heritage.  YOU are the one who chose to have sex with your ex it is not your child's fault.  If you can still have a united front with your ex, then your child will be all the better for it.

Aunt Judy was always adament about a good marriage and a united front.  I am glad she was always there to talk me through the times when it was hard to put up a united front, but in the end by God's grace our family did stand. 

Are you building a strong foundation for your child??

 

Roots

Have you ever tried getting rid of a weed by just chopping off the top?  If you have you know exactly what will happen, the weed will grow back.  How do you get rid of the weed?  You dig deep enough to get the root out, then you have officially gotten rid of the weed.
The same concept applies to the little garden called your child.  If you see a weed in your child and just address the behavior without getting to the root of the problem, you will continue to get the same weed.

If your child is having a behavior problem that keeps coming up you may need to start digging.  Here are some suggestions for digging.  Pray, it is always the best first step, and when you pray, ask God to open your eyes as to what is causing your child's behavioral problem.  After you pray, observe and see if you can find what is triggering your child's problem.  While you are observing, you may want to not react and see what happens.  While you are observing, observe everything including you and your reactions to the behavior.  If the root does not show up right away you may want to look deeper such as food, sleep, schedule etc..

After you find the root, pray and ask for wisdom.  Dig out the root, without hurting your precious little garden.  Remember you want to get rid of the weed and not hurt your garden.  Then thank God and enjoy the fruit of your labor.

He who heeds discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads others astray.  Proverbs 10:17

Sam

I have been watching a lot of TV and DVD's this last week.  I have a muscle spasm and it is pressing on my sciatic nerve which causes lots of pain.   I have not been able to sit for more than a few minutes without severe pain.  The only thing I can do is take drugs and rest my left side.  So because of this wonderful pain I have caught up on some movie watching.  I started watching The Lord of the Rings and it made me think about Sam.

Sam  is Frodo's best friend and he sticks with Frodo through thick and thin and tries to help Frodo make the right choices.  Sam is loyal, faithful and honest; I really think he is a great hero in the series.

I think everyone needs a Sam in their life, including children.  When I was little and getting ready to go to kindergarten I remember my mom looking out the window waiting for Lori to walk by.  When Lori walked by my mom told me to go out and talk to her.  I did what my mom told me to do and I ended up with my best friend up through 5th grade.  My mom was watching out for me.

Siblings often times can be a Sam in your children's lives.  Our two sons are each others best friends and they are loyal and honest with each other.  My daughter in law's mom insisted that sisters stick together no matter what.  By teaching her daughters that, they have a Sam in their life.

Life is hard on its own, make sure your child has a Sam in their life.

Proverbs 18:24 A man of many companions may come to ruin, but their is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.