I am going to address the second thing Aunt Judy used to say concerning divorce and parenting. "The best thing you can give your children is a good marriage." Like I said in the previous blog I have heard Dr. James Dobson say the same thing (Did he get his advice from her too??)
Do not believe for a second the lie and it is a lie; divorce does not affect the children. It does affect the children more than many parents are willing to admit or notice. Do not believe the lie and it is a lie; if you are happy your children will be happy. Do not believe the lie and it is a lie; the children will feel secure in your love even though you don't love your spouse anymore. Do not believe the lie and it is a lie; it will be a friendly divorce and we will put the children first. Do not believe the lie and it is a lie; life will be much better and easier once we are divorced.
Lie #1 Divorce does not affect the children. I work in a preschool /daycare and it amazes me to see how divorce affects the children. Age is not a factor; I have seen it affect a 1 year old as much as it does a 2nd grader. A usually well behaved child will all of a sudden have behaviorial issues. The teacher begins to talk to the parents about the behaviorial issues and finds out that Mom and Dad are not living with each other and are getting a divorce. Note the child did not have behaviorial issues even though mom and dad were not happy in their marriage, the issues began when there was separation.
Lie #2 If you are happy your children will be happy. As I alluded to in lie #1 no behaviorial issues when you were miserable and together, behaviorial issues when separated. I have seen many parents who are so absorbed in their new found happiness that they ignore their children. They lose their patience with their children because they are so busy trying to get to their happiness and their children get left behind. Your happiness is not found in your circumstances, it is found in your attitude!!!
Lie #3 Your children will still feel secure in your love for them even if you don't love your spouse anymore. Love is a choice and an action not a feeling. If you are basing your love on feelings for your spouse what do you think your children are going to think about your love for them. You used to love your spouse, but now you don't, why? Does your spouse still love the kids?? One of you is no longer living with your children; no matter how you try to explain it, sugar coat it or make the best of it, your child is going to feel abandoned by one or both of you.
Lie #4 It will be a friendly divorce, and we will put the children first. One of the catch phrases often used now a days is 'moving forward'. After a while you and your ex spouse will move forward. Along with moving forward comes new interests and new relationships. There will come a new boyfriend or girlfriend and that new person will need time, attention and money. You and your ex's plans may have meant to put the children first, but your new relationships may not agree with your plans.
Lie #5 Life will be much better and much easier once we are divorced. That is probably the biggest lie of all. Life is much easier and better for the lawyers, but that is about it. Custody issues, child support, court dates, rules for one house is not the same for the other house. You think you had communication problems before you got divorced wait until after you get divorced!!! There is never enough money no matter how much money you get from child support (if you are lucky enough to have an ex-spouse who is able to pay and pay it on time). You have to miss work because your kids are sick and you have been written up before for missing too much work. It is not your ex-spouses week and he or she has to make enough money to pay the child support. These are just a few of the issues a divorced person gets to deal with. I don't think it sounds easier or better.
The best thing you can give your children is a good marriage. A life for your children where they don't have to decide whose house they are going to go to for Christmas (until they are married and hopefully they will choose your house), where they see and learn that love is not a feeling but a choice and an action. A life where there is money to pay the bills and where mom can stay home with them when they are sick. A life that is secure in the knowledge that two sinful human beings can work together and through life to keep a committment they made a long time ago to each other. That is the best gift you can give your children.
Proverbs 14:1 The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.
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