I was talking to Aunt Judy last night and was telling her about my blog when she said do a blog titled 'So you think you want a divorce'. She was upset because some female family members decided they wanted a divorce. I also knew what she wanted me to say.
Aunt Judy used to say two things concerning the subject of marriage and parenting:
1. You are going to wake up some day and look at your husband and go yuck!! This may last for quite a while, but stick with him and trust me your love feelings will come back some day.
2. The best thing you can give your children is a good marriage. Now I have heard Dr. James Dobson say that too; I wonder if he consulted my Aunt Judy??
I am going to address #1 in this blog and I will address #2 in the next blog.
I did wake up one day and go yuck when I looked at my husband. I am not proud of it, but it did happen. I remembered what Aunt Judy said and I stuck with it. The things that used to endear my husband to me started irritating me. All of the little irritating things he did became big, glaring irritations and to add to it he was taking me for granted!!
Some things that I learned through those times (because it happens more than just once):
1. Marriage has an ebb and flow to it and there are times when you and your husband are distant, but eventually you will come back together.
2. Marriage is a lot about attitude. Just like how what you say is just 7% verbal and 93% non-verbal (body language, vocal inflections etc.) I think the same is true about marriage and attitude. I think about 7% of what happens in your marriage is due to circumstances in your marriage (loss of job, loss of a loved one etc.). I think 93% of the success of your marriage is your attitude. I will give a personal example. My husband does not like to go out a lot; he is a home body. My friends used to say doesn't that bother you that he does not like to go out, I said "no, it is nice to come home and have my husband waiting for me." If I chose (and it is a choice) to focus on the fact that I went to many functions by myself then that would have been an issue in our marriage. I chose to focus on the good.
3. Focus on your husband's good qualities. Yes even when you look at him and go yuck he still does have good qualities. Is he a good provider, does he take out the trash, does he help with the kids, does he mow the lawn, is he faithful???? Do not focus on the fact that you are tired of his fart jokes, the fact that he is always late, he leaves his clothes on the floor even if you have asked him nicely 9 million times. If you focus on his good qualities then it will help some of the yuck go away and start bringing some of the feelings of love back again. Do not bad mouth him to others. Aunt Judy used to say when you are at work even if your marriage is miserable tell everyone your marriage is great. Men like to look for a woman who is in an unhappy marriage.
4. Understand your husband is a man. Men do not think like women. I read a great book called "Sacred Influence" and it explained how men think. I laughed when I read it. God does have a sense of humor. Men process things differently than women do. You may tell your husband something and expect an immediate response, but most men take a good 24 hours to process what you have said. Another example how men do not think the same way women do; I always told people my husband loved and supported me with our 2 sons; he used to tell the boys do what your mom says I want her happy. One day I was telling someone about it in front of him and he looked at me and laughed; he said he only told the boys that because he did not want to have to be bothered and if they made me mad then he would have to get involved. Men do not in any way shape or form think like women!!!!!
5. Do not try to change or control your husband. Bring him before God everyday because he is the head of your household and if he fails some of it falls on your shoulders for not bringing him before God in prayer. Let God be in control of your husband not you. You can influence your husband which is Biblical, but you are not to try to control or change him. If there is a concern that I have with my husband I try to bring it before the Lord in prayer before I address it with my husband.
These are just a few thing to think about before you get a divorce. I will tell you if you stick with it and work through the yucks, the rewards will be great. I love my husband now more than I ever have. We share a unique history that no one else has. We love our children. Going to Ryan's wedding was a great joy for us, one in which we uniquely shared. As we get older and will again become more dependent on each other it will be nice to share it with someone whom I have a shared history and has stuck with me through thick and thin.
Proverbs 31:10-12 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
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