I was talking to my Aunt Judy this week and I called my husband an old fart (just joking) and she got upset with me. She told me that it sounds terrible (I was still not convinced because I was teasing my husband and we tease a lot), then she said how would you feel if your Grandma said that about your Grandpa; that did strike a cord with me. She also told me that I have to be aware that I am teaching my children and others about marriage.
As a parent you are always teaching and training your children whether you do it intentionally or not. Those comments you say when you are on the phone, the lie you told when you were trying to get a good deal at the store or ignoring your child's poor behavior and not correcting them. Life is a training ground when you are a parent, and the training never ends.
An example of training: You take your child to the grocery store and your child whines the whole time they are in the store. You are tired and little Johnny wants the sugar cereal and you told him "no", but he whines, cries and throws a fit. You are tired, you want to get home, everyone is looking at you and you are embarrassed, it is only a box of cereal so you throw the sugar cereal in your cart and Johnny quits his fit. You have just trained Johnny that your "no" does not mean "no", it means "yes" if he whines and cries and throws a fit. Johnny also learned he could train mom.
When I was a younger I had a friend come over to my house. She told me that her mom would take us to a movie if it was ok with my mom. I asked my mom if I could go to the movie and she said "no". I told my friend my mom said no and my friend told me that I should go back and ask my mom again and whine and beg. I had never done that before, but my friend told me confidently that if I did that my mom would let me go to the movie. I went up and asked my mom again whining and starting to beg and my mom looked at me (with the I mean business mom look) and she said "I said NO". I said ok and left immediately before she had time to change her mind and give me a spanking. My friend had been trained that "no" did not mean no.
Intentionally or unintentionally when you are a parent you are always training.
Luke 2:51 "Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them."
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Training
I am a black belt. I earned my black belt by training hard. I have been teaching and training in tae kwon do for over 15 years. It amazes me sometimes how the tae kwon do moves become a natural part of me with out me putting much thought or effort into what I am doing.
It took me about 3 years and thousands of kicks and moves to earn my black belt. I did not earn my black belt without wonderful instructors who taught me, corrected me and encouraged me when I needed it. When I tested for my black belt I was not alone, my husband and our two sons tested with me also. We together as a family trained and tested for our black belts. It was an individual accomplishment for each of us, but at the same time we shared it.
The Bible says "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." Training takes time and repetition. I did not earn my black belt by doing hundreds of kicks, or thousands of kicks, I earned my black belt by doing tens of thousands of kicks. I did not go to class once a week, I went to class 4-5 times a week. I did not just practice tae kwon do in the dojang, I practiced at home and on my own time.
I often hear parents say I already corrected my child on this and they are still doing it. Training takes time, repetition and commitment to complete the task. It is not easy, but training brings great rewards. It usually takes hundreds if not thousands of corrections and teaching your child the right way; to train your child the way he or she should go.
Just like I could not have earned my black belt without committed instructors who already earned their black belts; so a parent needs to teach, correct and encourage their child to train them in the way they should go. I have found I have learned more about tae kwon do by teaching than I ever did training. I think the same is true for parenting. As you teach your child the way he or she should go, you see also that you may need to redirect your path.
Training takes time, consistency and commitment. The rewards are often delayed, but well worth it.
Proverbs 22:6 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.
It took me about 3 years and thousands of kicks and moves to earn my black belt. I did not earn my black belt without wonderful instructors who taught me, corrected me and encouraged me when I needed it. When I tested for my black belt I was not alone, my husband and our two sons tested with me also. We together as a family trained and tested for our black belts. It was an individual accomplishment for each of us, but at the same time we shared it.
The Bible says "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." Training takes time and repetition. I did not earn my black belt by doing hundreds of kicks, or thousands of kicks, I earned my black belt by doing tens of thousands of kicks. I did not go to class once a week, I went to class 4-5 times a week. I did not just practice tae kwon do in the dojang, I practiced at home and on my own time.
I often hear parents say I already corrected my child on this and they are still doing it. Training takes time, repetition and commitment to complete the task. It is not easy, but training brings great rewards. It usually takes hundreds if not thousands of corrections and teaching your child the right way; to train your child the way he or she should go.
Just like I could not have earned my black belt without committed instructors who already earned their black belts; so a parent needs to teach, correct and encourage their child to train them in the way they should go. I have found I have learned more about tae kwon do by teaching than I ever did training. I think the same is true for parenting. As you teach your child the way he or she should go, you see also that you may need to redirect your path.
Training takes time, consistency and commitment. The rewards are often delayed, but well worth it.
Proverbs 22:6 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Sharing
One of the wonderful things about being a parent is sharing with my children. It starts from conception on. As an expectant mother your child shares your nutrients, heartbeat (for a while), oxygen etc.. Then when your child is born you share your milk and then as they grow you share life with them.
I was blessed to stay at home with our two children. I was able to share my knowledge of simple things like colors, potty training, how to tie their shoes, animal sounds; in other words life in general. My favoritest thing in the world to share with them was God. As I discovered God I loved to share him with Ryan and Dennis.
Now Ryan and Dennis are all grown up. I do still share with them, but I share on an adult level. My favoritest thing to share with them is still God. I love watching them grow in their knowledge of God and in their relationship with God.. There is nothing better in this world than sharing with our children the maker of the universe who knows them and loves them better than their own mother.
Deuteronomy 6:6 - 9 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on your doorframes of your houses and on your gates.
I was blessed to stay at home with our two children. I was able to share my knowledge of simple things like colors, potty training, how to tie their shoes, animal sounds; in other words life in general. My favoritest thing in the world to share with them was God. As I discovered God I loved to share him with Ryan and Dennis.
Now Ryan and Dennis are all grown up. I do still share with them, but I share on an adult level. My favoritest thing to share with them is still God. I love watching them grow in their knowledge of God and in their relationship with God.. There is nothing better in this world than sharing with our children the maker of the universe who knows them and loves them better than their own mother.
Deuteronomy 6:6 - 9 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on your doorframes of your houses and on your gates.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Mistakes
When our first child was born (Ryan) our family doctor came in to see us (Ryan and me). He sat down in a chair in the hospital room and said "You have a healthy little boy." I replied "Thank you." I admit I was excited and scared to death at the same time. Then Dr. Hostetter (the best Dr. in the world) said to me, "You are going to get all kinds of advice from friends, family and books on how best to care for Ryan, but I want you to remember this; you are his mom and you know him better than anyone else, so you do what you think is right." After he told me that I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and he gave me the confidence that I needed to do what was best for our child.
I did make decisions the best I could in raising our children, but I must admit I failed in a few areas. I never did teach them how to budget money and I did not make them keep their room clean. I think those are two disciplines that are important in adult life. I think they have overcome those failures on my part (especially Dennis because he is in the military and has to keep his room clean), but all the same they are failures.
My mom was not a perfect mom. My mom always seemed a bit detatched when I was growing up. I think when a parent becomes a single parent they tend to not focus on their children as much because they are trying to build their own life again. I think that is what happened to my mom. She was always loving and provided for us, but she also was involved in her personal life (dating).
I think because my mom was a bit detatched as I was growing up I became almost the opposite and was quite involved in raising our sons. I was so involved I homeschooled them until they were in junior high. My husband said his dad was always concerned about his career and he did not feel his dad had much time for him and his brothers and sister. Because he felt this way he always made time for our children. He always went to work and was a good provider, but he would not let work interfere with his family life.
I see a lot of parents today who came from broken homes and had no role model of what family life could be ideally. They are often times so concerned about making the same mistakes their parents made that they either become just like their parents or they go the complete opposite direction.
A Pastor once told a story of two brothers. One brother drank heavily and the other one drank nothing stronger than iced tea. The Pastor asked the brother who drank heavily "Why do you drink?" He replied "Because my Dad was an alcoholic." The Pastor asked the other brother "Why don't you drink?" The other brother replied "Because my Dad was an alcoholic."
The bottom line is just because your parents made mistakes doesn't mean you will. Just as the two brothers had a choice, so do you. You can either follow in your parents mistakes or choose to do it differently. You know your child better than anyone make your decisions based on that and not on your fear of making the same mistakes your parents did.
Proverbs 14:26 He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge.
I did make decisions the best I could in raising our children, but I must admit I failed in a few areas. I never did teach them how to budget money and I did not make them keep their room clean. I think those are two disciplines that are important in adult life. I think they have overcome those failures on my part (especially Dennis because he is in the military and has to keep his room clean), but all the same they are failures.
My mom was not a perfect mom. My mom always seemed a bit detatched when I was growing up. I think when a parent becomes a single parent they tend to not focus on their children as much because they are trying to build their own life again. I think that is what happened to my mom. She was always loving and provided for us, but she also was involved in her personal life (dating).
I think because my mom was a bit detatched as I was growing up I became almost the opposite and was quite involved in raising our sons. I was so involved I homeschooled them until they were in junior high. My husband said his dad was always concerned about his career and he did not feel his dad had much time for him and his brothers and sister. Because he felt this way he always made time for our children. He always went to work and was a good provider, but he would not let work interfere with his family life.
I see a lot of parents today who came from broken homes and had no role model of what family life could be ideally. They are often times so concerned about making the same mistakes their parents made that they either become just like their parents or they go the complete opposite direction.
A Pastor once told a story of two brothers. One brother drank heavily and the other one drank nothing stronger than iced tea. The Pastor asked the brother who drank heavily "Why do you drink?" He replied "Because my Dad was an alcoholic." The Pastor asked the other brother "Why don't you drink?" The other brother replied "Because my Dad was an alcoholic."
The bottom line is just because your parents made mistakes doesn't mean you will. Just as the two brothers had a choice, so do you. You can either follow in your parents mistakes or choose to do it differently. You know your child better than anyone make your decisions based on that and not on your fear of making the same mistakes your parents did.
Proverbs 14:26 He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge.
Monday, September 6, 2010
More About Spanking
I went on a hike today with a good friend of mine. We were chatting when we got back from the hike and in the course of the chatting I found out that her 5 year old daughter has been talking back to her. I asked my friend what she did about it and she said that she talked to her and told her not to do it, but she keeps on doing it. I told her she needs to stop talking and start spanking. The next time her daughter talks back to her she needs to not say a word, get out the spanking spoon and give her 3 swats, and tell her she can come back and talk after she is done crying.
Some people may think this sounds mean, but I don't. I think it is more important for a child to learn the hard lessons from parents who care about them than from a teacher who fails them, a boss who fires them or the criminal justice system. Spanking is a teaching tool. If you as a child do certain things that you have been told not to do then the consequences are a spanking by a loving parent.
There are certain rules that need to be applied when spanking. I went over a few of them in a previous blog, but this is a more detailed list of rules:
When Ryan and Dennis were little every once in a while they would do something I thought I told them not to do so when they started to get in trouble for it they would say "you never told me that." As a fair minded mom I would not spank them, but I also would make sure they understood the rules. I would often times have them look me in the eyes and repeat what I said so they would know the rules and I would know I told them the rules. They were accountable for their actions after I did that.
It is important once the decision has been made to spank that you follow through. Often times children will try to talk their way out of a spanking, don't let this happen, if you do you are setting a bad precedent and giving your child the idea it is ok to argue with you. They don't need to talk to you until after they have been spanked and are done crying. You as the parent are the authority. God has given you the responsibility of raising this child and along with that He gives you the authority to discipline that child.
I have had to apologize to our sons for spanking them unjustly because I spanked the wrong one. I had no problems apologizing and asking for their forgiveness, it taught our sons that I am not perfect, and that when I make a mistake I correct it. You do not need to be perfect, just a loving parent who is trying to teach your child the right way to go.
Proverbs 29:15 The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.
Some people may think this sounds mean, but I don't. I think it is more important for a child to learn the hard lessons from parents who care about them than from a teacher who fails them, a boss who fires them or the criminal justice system. Spanking is a teaching tool. If you as a child do certain things that you have been told not to do then the consequences are a spanking by a loving parent.
There are certain rules that need to be applied when spanking. I went over a few of them in a previous blog, but this is a more detailed list of rules:
- Never spank in anger. This protects the child and makes sure you have the right motives.
- Make sure your child knows the rules.
- Give a certain amount of swats for the offense (I always gave 3).
- Do not use your hand always use something like a wooden spoon.
- Spank only on the bottom or the upper thigh if your child is wearing a diaper.
- After the spanking have the child go to a neutral place and let them cry.
- When the child is done crying call them back to you and explain why you spanked them.
- Always finish with a hug and tell them you love them and then have them go back to playing.
When Ryan and Dennis were little every once in a while they would do something I thought I told them not to do so when they started to get in trouble for it they would say "you never told me that." As a fair minded mom I would not spank them, but I also would make sure they understood the rules. I would often times have them look me in the eyes and repeat what I said so they would know the rules and I would know I told them the rules. They were accountable for their actions after I did that.
It is important once the decision has been made to spank that you follow through. Often times children will try to talk their way out of a spanking, don't let this happen, if you do you are setting a bad precedent and giving your child the idea it is ok to argue with you. They don't need to talk to you until after they have been spanked and are done crying. You as the parent are the authority. God has given you the responsibility of raising this child and along with that He gives you the authority to discipline that child.
I have had to apologize to our sons for spanking them unjustly because I spanked the wrong one. I had no problems apologizing and asking for their forgiveness, it taught our sons that I am not perfect, and that when I make a mistake I correct it. You do not need to be perfect, just a loving parent who is trying to teach your child the right way to go.
Proverbs 29:15 The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Discipline
I am working on getting a schedule down to start walking and or hiking on a regular basis. I started this last week and it went somewhat well. I am sure it will go a bit better once the weather cools down. While I was on one of my walks I was thinking about my schedule and how I will make sure that I schedule my walks in during the week. It is called discipline.
I used to jog on a regular basis before my knees started giving me problems. People would ask me why do you jog and I would reply because it is Tuesday. That is called discipline.
I teach tae kwon do 2 nights a week. That is called discipline.
I go to work when I am scheduled that is called discipline.
When we were raising Ryan and Dennis we had a schedule and discipline. Keeping on the schedule and doing it whether you feel like it or not is called discipline. The younger your children learn it the better and more successful their life will be.
Learning is a discipline. When Ryan was 3 years old I would take out little index cards and put Bible verses on them and have him repeat them to me 3 times, after he was done repeating the verse 3 times he got a sticker. He did it because it was time to do his Bible verse, not because he felt like doing it, not because I felt like doing it, but because it was time to do his Bible verse.
The same concept is used for church. We go to church because it is Sunday morning. We do our devotions because it is devotion time. We make our beds because that is what we do after we get up in the morning. We brush our teeth because that is what we do before we get dressed .........
I have observed many parents have lost the concept of discipline. It is not super hard, it just takes making a schedule and you the parent being consistent about it. The rewards for you and your children will be numerous if you do it right. Schedule, consistency and rewards when it is all said and done will be a great gift to give your children.
I have found if you don't schedule something it probably won't happen. A schedule gives a child security in knowing what is coming next. We had a pretty consistent schedule when the kids were young. When we lived in Chicago we lived in an apartment complex that had a swimming pool. In the summer time I would have dinner on the table when my husband got home from work. The kids and I had our swimsuits on while we ate. As soon as dinner was over my husband would change into his swimsuit while the kids and I would clean the dinner mess and off we would go to the pool. I scheduled in our pool and family time.
When we would go grocery shopping every Wednesday I would give the boys a little pep talk in the car in the parking lot; I would remind them we were Kennedy's and all Kennedy's behaved well in the grocery store. I would go up and down the aisles and have the kids get certain items for me. I even taught them to look for the date on the milk. When we were all done and checking out in the grocery line I would pick out 3 candy bars. We would get home unload the groceries, put the groceries away and I would fix lunch; after we ate lunch we each got a candy bar.
Teaching a child discipline at a young age using a schedule, being consistent and giving rewards will make your life easier, and will give your child a good start to real life.
Proverbs 12:24 Diligent hands will rule, but laziness ends in slave labor.
I used to jog on a regular basis before my knees started giving me problems. People would ask me why do you jog and I would reply because it is Tuesday. That is called discipline.
I teach tae kwon do 2 nights a week. That is called discipline.
I go to work when I am scheduled that is called discipline.
When we were raising Ryan and Dennis we had a schedule and discipline. Keeping on the schedule and doing it whether you feel like it or not is called discipline. The younger your children learn it the better and more successful their life will be.
Learning is a discipline. When Ryan was 3 years old I would take out little index cards and put Bible verses on them and have him repeat them to me 3 times, after he was done repeating the verse 3 times he got a sticker. He did it because it was time to do his Bible verse, not because he felt like doing it, not because I felt like doing it, but because it was time to do his Bible verse.
The same concept is used for church. We go to church because it is Sunday morning. We do our devotions because it is devotion time. We make our beds because that is what we do after we get up in the morning. We brush our teeth because that is what we do before we get dressed .........
I have observed many parents have lost the concept of discipline. It is not super hard, it just takes making a schedule and you the parent being consistent about it. The rewards for you and your children will be numerous if you do it right. Schedule, consistency and rewards when it is all said and done will be a great gift to give your children.
I have found if you don't schedule something it probably won't happen. A schedule gives a child security in knowing what is coming next. We had a pretty consistent schedule when the kids were young. When we lived in Chicago we lived in an apartment complex that had a swimming pool. In the summer time I would have dinner on the table when my husband got home from work. The kids and I had our swimsuits on while we ate. As soon as dinner was over my husband would change into his swimsuit while the kids and I would clean the dinner mess and off we would go to the pool. I scheduled in our pool and family time.
When we would go grocery shopping every Wednesday I would give the boys a little pep talk in the car in the parking lot; I would remind them we were Kennedy's and all Kennedy's behaved well in the grocery store. I would go up and down the aisles and have the kids get certain items for me. I even taught them to look for the date on the milk. When we were all done and checking out in the grocery line I would pick out 3 candy bars. We would get home unload the groceries, put the groceries away and I would fix lunch; after we ate lunch we each got a candy bar.
Teaching a child discipline at a young age using a schedule, being consistent and giving rewards will make your life easier, and will give your child a good start to real life.
Proverbs 12:24 Diligent hands will rule, but laziness ends in slave labor.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Respect
My Aunt Judy told me one time that I should discipline our sons when they misbehaved for me. She told me it would lay the grounds for respect especially when they become teenagers. I knew she was right (again).
I was blessed and fortunate to be able to stay at home with our two sons. I was also the main disciplinarian because I was with the boys most of the time. My husband's role was more back up then anything else. When the boys did anything wrong at home they knew they had to answer to me. For the really serious offenses they got in trouble from me and then had to wait and wait and wait til their Dad got home and then they would have to tell him what they did. I remember Ryan coming out of his room every so often (he was the spokesman for the boys) and asking in a scared voice "Is Dad home yet?" I would answer "No but when he gets home you two have to tell him what you did."
I did spank our sons. Yes Aunt Judy supported this. Aunt Judy also gave some pointers about spanking. I used a wooden spoon and not my hand. I did not want our sons to be afraid of my hand, but I did want them to have a healthy fear if they did not listen to what I told them. They also got 3 swats for an offense. I made sure they knew the rules before they ever got spanked for breaking them. When they wore diapers they would get swats on their upper legs and not the diaper. I also never spanked when I was angry. I did it for their protection, but what I found was it scared them more to have to wait for their spanking. Again I remember the spokesman Ryan calling down the stairs "Mom are you done being mad yet?" I yelled "NO not yet."
Spanking in the right context is quick, easy and to the point. I would tell them "no" they would test their boundaries and I would give them a spanking. Aunt Judy also told me to spank and let them cry, make them walk away. When they would calm down and quit crying I would call them back over to me and talk to them about what they had done and why I spanked them. When I was done talking to them I would hug them tell them I love them and off they would play. The time it would take me to spank,for them to cry and for us to reconcile was less than 5 minutes. It was great they would walk away happy and we could continue on with the day.
The reason I did this blog is because a friend of mine was telling me about how he had to kick out their teenage son because he would not go by his wife's rules (second marriage). It made me wonder if she disciplined (spanked) him when he was young so that respect would be instilled in him when he was a teenager.
My mom was a single parent over night. Us kids never had a doubt in our mind that she would discpline us, she never waited til our Dad got home. It is a good thing for her because my Dad died suddenly and she was left with a 6, 10 and 13 year old. If she depended on our Dad she would have had a bigger mess on her hands.
My husband and I always disciplined our sons as a team. I had to keep my mouth shut sometimes because I thought he was too hard on them, but my Mom and my Aunt Judy always told me to keep a united front even if you don't agree. Wait until the kids are in bed and discuss it quietly. In the end the husband wins. I am old enough to have observed some friends who would go behind their husbands backs and ease the discipline set before the children. The results of the mom going against what dad said is a child who knows how to divide and conquer. Teenagers know all to well how to divide and conquer.
In the end it is the Biblical principle of reaping and sowing. What you sow with your young children you will reap as they become teenagers. What are you sowing??
Galatians 6:7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.
I was blessed and fortunate to be able to stay at home with our two sons. I was also the main disciplinarian because I was with the boys most of the time. My husband's role was more back up then anything else. When the boys did anything wrong at home they knew they had to answer to me. For the really serious offenses they got in trouble from me and then had to wait and wait and wait til their Dad got home and then they would have to tell him what they did. I remember Ryan coming out of his room every so often (he was the spokesman for the boys) and asking in a scared voice "Is Dad home yet?" I would answer "No but when he gets home you two have to tell him what you did."
I did spank our sons. Yes Aunt Judy supported this. Aunt Judy also gave some pointers about spanking. I used a wooden spoon and not my hand. I did not want our sons to be afraid of my hand, but I did want them to have a healthy fear if they did not listen to what I told them. They also got 3 swats for an offense. I made sure they knew the rules before they ever got spanked for breaking them. When they wore diapers they would get swats on their upper legs and not the diaper. I also never spanked when I was angry. I did it for their protection, but what I found was it scared them more to have to wait for their spanking. Again I remember the spokesman Ryan calling down the stairs "Mom are you done being mad yet?" I yelled "NO not yet."
Spanking in the right context is quick, easy and to the point. I would tell them "no" they would test their boundaries and I would give them a spanking. Aunt Judy also told me to spank and let them cry, make them walk away. When they would calm down and quit crying I would call them back over to me and talk to them about what they had done and why I spanked them. When I was done talking to them I would hug them tell them I love them and off they would play. The time it would take me to spank,for them to cry and for us to reconcile was less than 5 minutes. It was great they would walk away happy and we could continue on with the day.
The reason I did this blog is because a friend of mine was telling me about how he had to kick out their teenage son because he would not go by his wife's rules (second marriage). It made me wonder if she disciplined (spanked) him when he was young so that respect would be instilled in him when he was a teenager.
My mom was a single parent over night. Us kids never had a doubt in our mind that she would discpline us, she never waited til our Dad got home. It is a good thing for her because my Dad died suddenly and she was left with a 6, 10 and 13 year old. If she depended on our Dad she would have had a bigger mess on her hands.
My husband and I always disciplined our sons as a team. I had to keep my mouth shut sometimes because I thought he was too hard on them, but my Mom and my Aunt Judy always told me to keep a united front even if you don't agree. Wait until the kids are in bed and discuss it quietly. In the end the husband wins. I am old enough to have observed some friends who would go behind their husbands backs and ease the discipline set before the children. The results of the mom going against what dad said is a child who knows how to divide and conquer. Teenagers know all to well how to divide and conquer.
In the end it is the Biblical principle of reaping and sowing. What you sow with your young children you will reap as they become teenagers. What are you sowing??
Galatians 6:7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.
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